Help men to fail (and maybe get a relationship, too)

I found that book in a bookstore in the Financial District in New York City (Why aren’t there more real bookstores…?)

„Note on Being a Man“ by Scott Galloway

I thought to myself: “Wow, that sounds promising”

But first – lets see who Scott Galloway is…?
You see, I do not buy books from the authors without substantial credentials anymore. Maybe there is great stuff out there from the other writers, but sorry: I am only interested in those who actually proved the points in real life first…

„Scott Galloway, a Professor of Marketing at NYU New York University Stern School of Business“.
Not bad for a start! 

Further: Elected to the World Economic Forum’s „100 Global Leaders of Tomorrow”. Founder of 9 companies, author of 5+ bestsellers, self-made millionaire, father and husband… all right, it seems this guy has done something meaningful in his life.

You can ask a curious question – why would a relationship expert for successful women buy a book from a man about men..? Well – first because it said “Boys and men are in crisis” right now, and I kind of see that, too…

And also because men are what we women want. 

If I am here to advise other women how to find and happily keep their men, I’d better understand those men. And the fact is that I have studied men, worked with men, loved men, trusted men, broke up with men, were angry with men, got and kept the trust of men all my life… I just did all of it more and better than other women did, that is why I am here to advise those women, and not, for example, knit socks or arrange flowers (I didn’t spend as much time knitting or arranging as interacting with men, obviously…) 

Even today, when my lady clients come to my mentoring program “Relationship”, I talk to their male partners, too. So you see, knowing men is crucial for me – privately for my own marriage, and for growing in my profession. 

So when I found this book, from an experienced and obviously (by modern standards) successful man in his sixties – I thought: “Yes, give me your thoughts… I wanna know it all!”

So, I got the book. 

Scott has written this, because he sees the trends in America: Boys are less likely to graduate from high schools than girls, they live with parents longer, often without a job, playing videogames and voting for Trump just out of rebellion and boredom. As he writes “one in 7 men in the US reports not having any friends, and men account for 3 out of 4 deaths of despair there”. 

I looked at the European, Slovak and Czech data and it does not look better for us: 

As the statistics of Researchgate shows, in 2022 there were 49.000 suicides  reported in EU, out of which 80% are men.
With men aged 15 to 29, every 6th death is a suicide.
In Czech Republic there are about 1300 suicides yearly, 80% of it men, and similar trend is in Slovakia. 

In the European Union 20% of men aged 30 to 34 live with parents, and 42% of men aged 25 to 29! It was 10% less in 2010. Slovakia is extreme, where 56% of men aged 25 – 34 live with parents…one of the highest values in the EU. 

Is there a reason to write and read a book for men…?
I believe so… 

In NOTES ON BEING A MAN Scott writes about his own life growing up as a son of an immigrant divorced mother, but also as father of 2 almost adult boys. I found this book open, sincere, and extremely useful. 

I am halfway through with reading right now, and there are main 2 reasons why I am sharing those few thoughts today:

1. If you are a man or have a young son or if you are a mother of a young son  – get that book. You can find it in Luxor here
   
   
2. And if you are a single woman or single man, I have pro advice for you today on how you both can do a good deed of helping men, and maybe get a relationship, too (if you do, let me know!)

Many thoughts from the book caught my attention, but this one I want to bring up today: 

“Dont be afraid to quit. Failing fast is better than failing over a long period.”  Scott writes that on the page 107

Why I picked this quote up today?

I’m not the type of relationship expert who tells you that if you’re not happy in your relationship, you should leave right away. Definitely not!

But that’s not what I want to talk about right now.

Where I do see the value of the advice to “fail fast” is at the very beginning of relationships.

Because people are scared to even start, both men and women. 

For women regardless of age – they long for a partner, love, relationship. But they are afraid to really start something, afraid to give a clear signal: “Hey, I like you.” (they rather tell you “there are no men around me” – b..shit, my dear! – then actually smile and tell a guy, they like him…) 

Why?

Because they’re afraid of their own success:

What happens if he actually responds?
What happens if he actually shows up, comes closer, asks for my number, asks me out?

The reason for that fear?

“What if I don’t like him after all?!”

But that’s exactly the problem.

We’re afraid to try because we’re afraid to fail.
We’re afraid to say no, we are afraid to “hurt him”, to be bad girls!
We’re afraid to find out that this might NOT be it.

We want IT to be perfect from the very beginning. We want to meet a man and have it just work immediately.

But that’s not how love and great relationships work.

For our relationships to work, we need relationship skills. And we don’t get those skills if we don’t try and fail first. 

Also, we need to discover what we truly want in a relationship. And we will never know that if we don’t go through enough experiences that don’t work out.

Because how can you know what you want if you tried only 3 or 4 times, or maybe never really?
How can we know what we want if we just took the first or second man that came around and then tried hard to stay in it and wondered why we are not happy…?

What I truly believe is that women today—and men as well—need more relationships.

Real time together, in flesh and bones. 

Getting to know each other. Going out together and seeing what happens if you spill that red wine accidentally all around the table because we are nervous. Meeting each other’s friends who laugh and judge us, and our families who just look at us curiously. 

We need to help our common friend to move that piano, and take our sick dog to the vet and clean after him. After all – that is real life then…

Trying things, experiencing things together, and seeing what actually fits—and what doesn’t. But it won’t happen, if we, ladies, don’t give a strong signal to men around us that we want them to approach us.

And what about men? 

One thing women often don’t realize about men is that men are afraid too.

Men are sensitive human beings, and they need encouragement to take a step forward, to approach, to pursue, to come talking to you.

Yes, there are a few male predators out there who will go after every woman they see. But that’s more a fantasy of the past than the reality of today. Ladies, would you agree?

Even in the past, most men needed encouragement. But today, they need it more than ever. They are afraid to be laughed at, to be denied, to be not enough. Simply, to fail. 

But that is exactly the skill we need to learn – we both need to fail more, as Scott writes on the page 107

So if men of today are struggling, let’s help them, girls. Lets give them more chances to fail.  And the simplest way to do that is to give them a chance to get to approach you.

They won’t bite you. They won’t hurt you. They are just human beings, just like you.

And if you don’t like them, tell them.

Yes, it might hurt them. Yes, their hearts might be broken. But how else are men supposed to grow? How are they supposed to become strong if they cannot handle rejection of a woman? How are they supposed to be our rocks we build our lives upon, if we won’t give them a chance to feel pain, and recover and come back stronger? 

Healing their hurt is their responsibility. That is something they need to learn and work through.

And this is not about age. I see this happening at 15, and I see this at 45. The same pattern, again and again, as we just couldn’t grow…

So let’s change it,  and let’s start today.

Here is a simple practical task for women: 

If you come across a man who seems interesting, smile at him.
If he doesn’t react, smile again. And then once more. Smile at him at least 3 times really widely, with your eyes, too, so he really gets what you mean.
And if he doesn’t?
Tell him: “Hey, I like you. If you are single, would you ask me out?” (and bear your failing if he is already taken, or does not want to ask you out..”)

And here is for men: 

And men, don’t be blind.
Don’t stare at your phones all the time. Look around. Women are there. All around you. They also don’t (usually) bite.  And they are looking for strong men, and it can be you in no time. Search for her smile, and if she does, approach her and ask her out. 

And if it doesn’t work out? So what?

Life goes on. Both of you gain something.

He gains experience, learns to handle rejection, learns to move forward.
She becomes clearer about what she wants and experiences, that to get a guy is easy…

And that’s a win for both.

So let’s do that. And maybe men with little help from women will start doing a little better.

Love, Lucy

PS: Tell me your thoughts are!! 🙂

PPS: Here is more on Scott Galloway: https://www.stern.nyu.edu/faculty/bio/scott-galloway

Youtube interview with Scott: You’ve Been Lied To About Masculinity – Scott Galloway https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t358lhDJjBw

PPPS: Here is more on statistics on suicides in Europe  https://www.researchgate.net/publication/392374206_Suicide-Related_Mortality_Trends_in_Europe_2012-2021